I’ve been rolling this around in my head for months….  Community.  I began writing a post that encompassed every aspect of community.  From the neighborhood we live in, to the city we call home, to the groups we belong to, to the friends we have, to the social media pages we scroll through endlessly, but I realized that was all too broad and that I was having a difficult time organizing that in a way that made sense.   So I decided to start with what I know best.  Food.  

You see, I’ve been feeling a bit tired lately.  Tired of politics, tired of division, tired of offense for the sake of being offended, tired of “pearl clutching”. tired of hate, tired of all the things that many of you have grown weary of as well.  So, there lying in front of the tv in a near vegetative state this past weekend, I heard the words that lit the fire.  “Food brings us together”.  

It’s not a new concept for me.  I’ve always known that power of food to bring people together, and friends, if there has ever been a time that we could use that reminder.

  Just about 2 1/2 years ago when I started Walnut Tree, I didn’t really have any idea what it might become.  I just knew that I loved to bake, and I wanted to share that with people. In its beginning, Walnut Tree was never meant to be an every week thing.  I had planned to do baking events centered around holidays and special occasions, take orders and see how it went. Two months in, my mom passed away unexpectedly.  I didn’t really feel it at the time, because so much of those following months felt numb to me, but food and baking were saving me.  Each week through that summer I loaded up the truck and set up at the Farmer’s Market.   Each week, I began to recognize the same faces, each week we got to know one another, each week, without realizing it I was building a little community.

Now, I’m so grateful for all those people who I now call friends.  Looking back, I had suffered a great loss, but what I realized was through those goodies I was baking each week, I had this amazing community of people who were lifting me out of that sadness without even knowing it.    It was an exchange that was priceless.    I miss those people when I take a week off, or when they are away and can’t make it to the shop or to the market.  We have let each other into our lives, I know about their kids and families, their birthdays, the things they love and the things they don’t.  They know my family. I never thought of myself as a people person, but I really care about these people. 

I know for sure, that this idea of food and community is a mission I will continue to explore.  I feel it in my soul, this idea of nurturing and creating community through food.   I don’t know what it looks like, I have lots of ideas and thoughts, but there are always obstacles to overcome.  I’ll be spending the next few weeks and months figuring out ways to continue to build community through my food and I hope you will be a part of it.   I hope that in these times we’re living that you take a minute to share a meal with someone, that you will support local farms, restaurants and food businesses.  These people are putting their heart and soul into these businesses. I hope you’ll find your own ways of creating community through food.    There is tremendous power in sitting down at a dinner table in healing our spirits.  Laugh.  Eat.  Love.  It’s really pretty simple.

xo

Greg

I’d love to hear any ideas or thoughts you have about creating community with food.  You can leave them in the comments or email me at greg@gregutsinger.com.

I

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this…”.  I spoke those words into the phone as I sobbed delivering the news that my mom had passed away.  That was one year ago today.   At the time, I truly didn’t know how I was going to get through those first hours, those first days, those first weeks and months, and honestly, thinking about it now, I really meant I didn’t know how I was going to even return to any normalcy ever…..but here I am.  One year later.  

I have written this post so many times over the past year.  3 months….6 months…7 months, but each time I hesitated to post.  I don’t know what it is about grief, it’s just something that we only seem to talk about the first few months, then we’re sort of left to figure it out.  Something would happen and I would have a break down, something insignificant, something that reminded me, not that  I had forgot, and I felt compelled to write, so I’d sit down and type and retype and retype again, only to think to myself…”Nobody wants to hear this…”  

When I stop to think about a whole year passing, a whole year of “firsts”, it’s unbelievable to me.  In ways, it seems like days ago, in other ways, years.

After those first few weeks, that only God and the love of my friends and family got me through.  I jumped head first back into work and building my bakery business.  One of the things that “saved” me during those  months , funny enough, was the Farmer’s Market.  I started selling at the Farmer’s Market almost a month to the day after my mom passed.  In the weeks that followed, it would be something for me, as well as my dad and sister to focus on, something that was new, something that we didn’t have to think about what we were going through, something that was ours, something that took our minds off what we had lost.    In many ways, at least for me,  it was therapy.  We saw so many people who knew my mom on those Saturdays throughout the summer.  They would offer condolences and talk about her.  It was always great to hear how many people’s lives she had touched.  I often think now, about how she would have loved to be up there visiting with people she knew (she wouldn’t have liked that early 7:30am start time).   

In those months, the grief came and went, just like they say…in waves.   On an almost daily basis,  I would replay the day, the events over and over and over in my head.  It almost always left me still in some state of disbelief… “not my mom, it’s not possible.”   One Thursday morning, a morning of no particular note, I pulled out of the driveway to go to work and by the time I got to the stop light at Main Street, I was in tears.   OUT OF NOWHERE! That day I cried at least 3 more times before I got home from work, then cried on the phone again telling my sister about all the times I had cried… she cried too.  In retrospect, I realize now that during that time, I had just been sick for the first time in forever, tired and worn down, feeling all kinds of pressure (completely self induced) about work and the bakery and life in general.  It was one of those times I needed my mom to talk to.  She would, of course, tell me I was doing too much, that I was getting older and I needed to slow down and stop working so much .

I found some real comfort in listening to Anderson Cooper’s podcast, “All There Is”.  I would listen to it on my drive to work, tears streaming down my face so many times.  So many moving , emotional conversations and advice for those going through loss.  One of my biggest takeaways, the  thing that really hit me, was the idea that yes, I was grieving the loss of my mother, but I was also grieving the loss of the little boy that only MY mother knew.  It wrecked me.  

As you would imagine, the holidays were different.  I won’t say they were particularly difficult, but definitely different.  We did all the things we normally do.  It was the little things that got me.  Standing in my kitchen alone tearing up the bread for dressing, tears streaming down my face.  The Macy’s Parade….tears.  We got through it.  We celebrated Christmas as normally as we could, for me at least, it wasn’t as emotional as Thanksgiving….We did all our usual things.  We had breakfast Christmas morning, and something stopped me….I had this sense to stop and take it all in.  I sat at the table as we talked and laughed and  took time to look around.  To absorb it into my memory so it could never be taken away.  I knew it might be the last Christmas morning breakfast we ate at that table, in that kitchen, in that house.  Shortly after the turn of the year, Dad decided to sell the house.  It sold quickly and we shared loads of memories sorting through the nearly 60 years of accumulation.   It was a bittersweet time.  Now that it’s done, it’s a huge relief for all of us. 

There are the normal things…songs on the radio, smells in the air, the taste of a certain food.  They can all, at any moment, trigger a pang of grief, a reminder of what we will never know again.      

A month or so ago, Shawn and I went to Chicago to see Tina: The Tina Turner Musical.  I had  to laugh to myself when we were exiting the theater.  I imagined a  moment in my head in which I would tell my mom about how great the show was and the songs and I could imagine her doing her very best  “Proud Mary!”

There are times when I hear her.   Yes, in my head, but also actually coming out of my mouth.  I realize now how much like her I am.  She always said it, but I never really saw it.  I do now, and that makes me happy.  

So, here we are…one year later.  We have survived, like millions of people do everyday.  I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life who have helped me and my family through these past 12 months.  Always checking in, always willing to lend a listening ear, always with an understanding heart.  Of course, my faith has been the center of my journey through this year.  God is good.  I have never doubted that.  My mom would want me to remember that. 

I got a tattoo with my mom’s handwriting underneath a butterfly.  It reminds me everyday how lucky I was to have her as my mom.  Grieving just means you truly loved. 

A final thought.    I can’t tell you all the ways I have changed in the past year, but believe me, I have.  My family has.   We know all too well that tomorrow is not promised.  So, I beg you to live a life that makes you happy.  Love the people in your life and tell them .  Take in the moments.  I am comforted with the fact that as long as I have memory, my mom is right here with me.  

I wish you all love.

xo

Greg

It’s been a very long time since I posted on this site.   From time to time something would cross my mind and I would think to myself that I should write a blog post, but time got away from me and before you know it, months, maybe even years have passed.  Since we last spoke, I have started a business.  A baking business.  I’ll mention it and invite you to check it out here www.walnuttreebakingco.com, but for today, I have more important things to say.

If you follow me on social media, or know me personally, then you probably know that just one month ago, I lost my mom.  On a list of things I thought would ever happen to me that Thursday before Mother’s Day, my mom passing away would never have even been a thought.  Not even a tiny consideration.  I’ll admit, that even now, a month later, it is not real to me.  I find myself, at times, thinking she’s just in the hospital, that we’re keeping things running and in order until we she gets back to take over.   I hear her voice in my head everyday.   The advice she would have given me guides my steps.  What she would have done is forefront in my mind.    THIS IS HARD. 

I’ve used the word “navigate” a lot the past 4 weeks.  That’s what I’m doing.  That’s what my dad is doing.  That’s what my sister, brother in law and nephew are doing.  We are navigating strange territory.  Territory we don’t particularly like, but  a territory we were forced to arrive at.  I don’t want to go on too much about our grief.  I realize, our grief is not special.  Everyone loses someone they love, everyone thinks they can not possibly make it without them.  They do.  We will.  It’s still so fresh.  We have a lot of “firsts” ahead of us.  We will be okay, because she made us strong.  She would want us to be.

The real “point” of my post today is for a different reason.  A favor, if you will?  

Today my mom would turn 76 years old and in honor of her,  I’m asking you to do something for me.   Make a fuss about someone you love.  If you’re wondering about “making a fuss”, the eulogy I wrote for  my mom’s service explains it all.  I’d like to share it with you…

      “As we’ve navigated these past few days, my mother’s voice is loud and clear in my head. Sifting through photographs I could hear her saying “Don’t you dare put that picture on that video”. Sorting through her closet I could hear her …”not that, not that, maybe , not that…” as we made selections for her service today, I could hear her “whatever you think”. The truth is my mother would hate all of this. She would hate that we were making a fuss over any of it, for her.
As a family we celebrate every birthday, every holiday, every milestone. When Mother’s Day or her birthday would come around, I would ask her what she wanted for her special meal? Her immediate response would be “hamburgers on the grill”. Not because she particularly loved hamburgers on the grill, but because she never wanted us to make a big deal or spend a lot of money, she just wanted to keep it simple.
My mother deserves a fuss, if for no other reason then she IS my dad’s beloved wife or my sister and my mom. She is Jacob’s grandmother, she is your aunt, your sister, your cousin, your coworker, your friend,… for whatever reason my mom was a part of your life, SHE DESERVES THE FUSS.
I hate to break it to you all, but my mom is the best of all time. Undeniable to anyone who knew her, her family was her greatest joy. I wrote on Friday that she loved us fiercely. That was the only word I could come up with to come close to describing her love for us. FIERCE. She was our biggest cheerleader, an advocate for us, a listening ear. She did whatever was necessary to protect us, to comfort us, to be there for all of us.
Reading through posts these past few days, the word “kind” appeared so many times. My mom was kind. She was one of those people that others often felt so comfortable around that they would share some of their most personal struggles, sometimes, much to her dismay. But it didn’t stop her from listening, comforting, offering advice if needed. She touched so many people.
My family has found great peace the past couple days knowing how loved she was by all of you. We find even greater peace knowing she is happily at the feet of Jesus. And while we are so profoundly sad that she is no longer here with us, we know that she IS here with us. She is the glimmer in my dad’s eye, she is all the best parts of me and my sister. She is the kindness we all extend to those around us.
Finally, I hope we can all take some time to “make a fuss” over the people you love. And if you would, take a minute to remember how my mom touched your life and honor her for that. She would hate it, but she deserves it.”

Tonight we will do what we would have done.  We will have dinner together as a family.  We will celebrate her.  We will be sad and joyful at the same time. We will wish things were different, but we will be grateful for the time we had.  She would want it that way.

So I hope that you think about the people in your life.  Your family, friends, co-workers.  I hope you can find a moment to make just a little fuss over them, even if they think it’s silly or unnecessary.  Do it for them, do it for yourself, do it for my mom!

Be blessed.

xo

Greg

I am a list maker.  It helps to keep me organized and helps me to plan.  I have a master list of home projects that doesn’t get checked off to often because most of those projects require a significant investment in money or time, or skills that I don’t possess to accomplish them, yet the list remains.  I make grocery lists, lists for running errands, lists for cards to send, lists for things I want to cook or bake.  Soon I fear I could need a list to keep track of the lists. 

One of the other things I do, which is not so much a list, is keep a stack of loose leaf notebook paper on my desk where I write random things I come across, or I see, or that inspired me or just something I might want to remember at a later date.  Sometimes it’s a recipe I watched on tv and I frantically try to remember and keep up with what they added( I know, I could probably just google it and find the recipe), sometimes it’s a quote or a verse I heard, sometimes it’s a number, that I will inevitably forget what or who it belongs to.  This week, I was reminded why it’s good to keep this scribble spot, because you never know when it’s going to come in handy.

Today, ends my fifth week of not going to work.  It started with a week of vacation in mid March, which marked my 15 year anniversary at work, which then turned into 2 more weeks of a shelter in place order, which then turned into an additional 3 weeks until it ends (as of now, anyway).  So, I’ve got a lot of cleaning done, I painted the basement, I’ve baked and cooked, made videos, joined Tik Tok (don’t ask)and done whatever else I could come up with to keep me busy and keep my mind off the fact I wasn’t working and making any income.  Let me tell you, several weeks of that little voice in your head reminding you that the money is going out but not coming in can start to cause, to put it lightly, some concern.  Now, just to be clear, I know that I am beyond blessed and most of my concern is in my own head.  I am, of course, in the pipeline for unemployment, but the lack of ability to obtain any kind of clear answer to where you are in the process or get any kind of useful information from them has added a huge healping of anxiety to my plate.

Every morning, however, I got up and I would have a conversation with God.  I know he has blessed me and that he will meet my every need…that’s what I KNOW.   But as the days drug on and we arrived here in week 5, it was harder and harder for me to have that faith. (I’m getting to the part about my list, just hang in a couple more seconds…)  So, long about Tuesday, as another bill loomed due at the end of the week, I was becoming more and more frustrated with the whole situation, I was not supposed to be digging into my savings already!!!  C’mon God!  Where you at?  You know the whole “meet my every need” thing?  Ummmm, when was that going to kick in?  And then Wednesday came.  Stimulus check.  Breathe and thank God.  And then, something more important than the money… later that day, I was doing some website updates and found shuffled in my pile of scribbles something I wrote down several weeks ago, just about the time this whole time we are currently living in started.  There on the top of the paper I had written ” when God seems distant (when you’re going through something you never have)he’s positioning you for a miracle”.  WHAT?  Of course.  The answer to all my anxiety and frustration was written right there on the top of the page!   Not that I didn’t really know that, I just needed the reminder. Now, to make this even better, you want to know what I had scribbled at the bottom of the page?  Well, I don’t think you read this far to jump ship now?

Joshua 3:5               “…consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things”

Goose. Bumps.  He’s got me covered.

So, I guess the  message in this post is first of all…TRUST GOD AND HIS TIMING.  Second, when you hear, see, do something that speaks to you in some way, write it down, even if it seems insignificant at the time, at some point you’ll need it.

I hope you are all well!

Much Love,

Greg

I hope that you have all been enjoying my recent string of posts.  Being at home, sheltered in place, has really been a blessing in disguise for me.  I have been able to work on so many things that I’ve shoved in the corner for another time.  I’ve watched in amazement at the things that are being created via technology and social media (it really can be used for good…).  I’ve spent some time re-evaluating the things that are truly important to me.  I hope you are able to do the same, however, I know that there are many people who are feeling anxious and unsure.  It’s understandable.  This week I’ve been thinking about what it is that keeps me so at peace and content in this uncertain time, and I’ve come up with a few thoughts.  If you’re interested, I’d like to share.

I’ve talked to a lot of people this week who are trying to “figure it out”.  They’re trying to assume and guess how their situation might work out, how their job might look, if they have one when this is over.  I’ve talked to people who are working, as essential workers, who are just as uncertain, who can’t understand people’s panic.  So, I thought about myself.  I have plenty of things that COULD happen to me, but it doesn’t serve me to guess about those things.  I’ve learned that over the years, largely through the industries I’ve worked in.  Working in kitchens and the design industry are great training grounds for being able to think on your feet, at a moments notice.  Technically, both industries are very detail driven, and planned, but things don’t always work out how they were planned.  In kitchens, ingredients don’t show up, things get overcooked and burned, things get dropped, staff doesn’t show up, it’s a constant stream of adapting.  The same goes with the design business.  Fabrics get discontinued, weeks after the order was placed, sofas are too big, doorways are to small, the measurements on a floorplan don’t match the real life dimensions.  It too is a constant stream of adapting.  So it taught me well to take things as they come and deal with it and make decisions then, don’t fret about it until it’s staring you in the face!

The second thing that has long been a calming force for me is music.  Throughout the days here at home these past couple weeks, music is filling every room.  It’s like that for me anytime, quarantined or not.  I have long found comfort in the words of a song.  Some can remind you of happy times, bring back cherished memories, make you feel unspeakable joy or really touch your soul, just when you need it.  I hope you all understand the healing power of music.  Turn it on, turn it up and get lost in a song.

Finally, and what I would consider the biggest part of my peace…my faith.  My faith in a God that is so much bigger than any circumstance or situation.  He already knows the outcome, so why should I worry.    I heard someone speaking last week about Faith and Fear and (I don’t know if it’s really true) but research shows that our brains are not capable of feeling or processing both faith and fear at the same time.  So if you find yourself getting fearful, just try a little faith.  Just a little can replace all that fear.   If you find yourself feeling alone, talk to God.  He’s always listening.

So, I hope that helps.  I hope you are all dealing with this in a way that brings you comfort.  I hope you are taking some time to look at what is really important for your life.  I hope you are relaxing and discovering new things.  I hope you are spending some time with God, talking AND listening.  I hope when we are back to normal, we’ll have dinners and go to concerts and appreciate everything we took for granted before.  I hope our relationships are stronger, that we’ve learned something new, that we’ve heard some new songs and some old, that we’ve tried new recipes.  That in every good way possible we are forever changed.

I appreciate and love you all for taking the time to visit my blog.

I hope you are all well.

Much Love, 

Greg

It’s about Day 7 of our Shelter In Place order here in Illinois.  I honestly can say that it hasn’t been all that bad.  I’ve gotten to do (as you probably noticed) a lot more frequent blog posts, got to do lots and lots of cooking and baking, I’ve been running everyday.  It’s not all that bad…..(ask me again next week!).  So, I took a little break from all the baking and sweets to make another comfort food dish with a twist.  Sweet & Spicy Macaroni and Cheese.  The original inspiration for this recipe came from a recipe from Deschutes Brewery.  They use heavy cream and sweet chili sauce and cheddar cheese.  My version combines 3 cheeses ( I know, I know, Velveeta is up for debate as to whether or not it is actually cheese…but oh so good for making mac and cheese!).  I used store bought sweet & sour sauce and sriracha, which I put on everything!  

Hope you’re all doing well and staying healthy!  What are you doing to keep yourselves occupied during this time?

Much Love,

Greg

This recipe is also available on my YouTube channel.  See it here.